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[originallutece]

Rosalind Lutece

Doctor of physics, professor at Recollé University.

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[originallutece]

[. . .]

I didn't care about killing those monsters.

I know it isn't the same. There's a large difference between a feral creature and a person. But I still can't find an ounce of regret or horror for the deaths I caused.

But I suppose in part that may be self-fulfilling-- I'm desperately looking for proof that I am becoming her, and I'm finding it in an admittedly flimsy way.

[And yet . . . surely she ought to feel something. If not for the animals, those horrid humans; they were mad, yes, but they were still human. And yet the moment they disappeared, she'd been far more focused on Fawkes. Weeks later, she's still more concerned about him.]

But I think you may be right.

[There's another part, too, and one she isn't quite certain how to articulate.

It still seems impossible that in a fortnight or so, she and Fawkes will be able to resume their relationship. Surely that's not right. Surely something will happen to prevent them from indulging themselves; some fight, some new twist from the app, some proclamation from on high . . . something will happen, Rosalind is certain. Happiness doesn't last.

Because she remembers the last time she felt so endeared to someone. So very fond, so adoring, so eager to be in their company and listen to them speak . . . and how had that ended? With their death. She can't get the memory out of her mind. She can't stop thinking about that brilliant burst of light, that steady hum growing louder and louder, and the looking of horror her gentleman had given her. And oh, she'd loved him so much, she'd agonized over him, and what if--

What if something like that happens here?

It's stupid. History doesn't repeat itself. And yet . . . what if it does? What if, by regaining memories and items and understanding, she's exposing Fawkes to some kind of danger she isn't yet aware of?]

[roseblooms]

Prompto thinks that the ends justify the means. I think his exact words were, "it's us or them".

I don't know if I agree with that, but by the same token, you're not the only one finding it easier than expected to sleep at night despite it.

It's not just you, Rosalind. And I think you're right that it's confirmation bias — you're looking for reasons to find yourself similar to her out of fear, the same way I've been seeing animal things in myself since I started unraveling the mysteries of what I may or may not be.

[originallutece]

[Promise me, she wants to demand of him, promise me you'll tell me if you see me start to become her, but that's silly. The best way to get over anxiety is to simply shove past it and trust what evidence she has in front of her. Fawkes agrees it's confirmation bias, and while he won't always call her out, he'd surely tell her the truth on that.

So, instead:]

Animal things? Like what, precisely?

[roseblooms]

Something...predatory. More raw, more primal. Less emphasis on empathy and more on individuality; more of a tendency to bend in the direction of the "fight" side of a fight or flight response.

Sometimes it feels as though I understand how an apex predator must feel. It has nothing to fear, and everything around it belongs to it.

[originallutece]

That's not typical of a fox. I wonder how typical it is of a kitsune, though. Surely not every one could feel so powerful, or no one would ever get anything done.

You are strong like that. You picked me up with ease-- more ease than you usually can, I mean. I wonder if you were someone particularly powerful.