originallutece | (no subject)

you know i still have no idea what the hell it was
it just
alright backstory my childhood wasnt that great
like REALLY not great
grandma's fault
anyway tony pulls out his phone and starts to call her up to screw with me and i just snapped on him
i didnt black out or anything it was just like it wasnt me anymore
i grabbed him by the throat and held him down and asked him why he kept making me hurt him and he totally freaked
i dunno i just got scared
and i knew making him afraid of me would get me what i wanted
and i knew itd make me feel better

i guess whoever my other guy was that was how he reacted to fear
he just wanted to choke the shit out of it

but yeah i already apologized but tonys still probably going to hate me forever so maybe dont mention me anymore

[ Because of course she talks about him, he's him. Everybody should (and probably does) talk about him. ]

[As much as she'd normally love to deflate his ego a little . . . she does, in fact, talk about him, because apparently her friend group consists of men a decade older who are morally questionable.

Anyway.]

When did you snap out of it, precisely? Once he started acting afraid?

I assume you've never grabbed him by the throat before, but have you ever

[What's a good word for this . . .]

gotten into a physical fight, roughhoused, that kind of thing?

uhhhhh yeah
kinda
i mean weve known each other for 20+ years and there was this whole thing when my wife died and she was his best friend
its a solid two decades of drama you dont need to hear all that
but weve fought before and when he was pulling me out of the forest the other day he pinned me and i broke his nose
but that was actually ME that was doing that
because seriously you try to pin me down and im getting you off me

and yeah
pretty sure i triggered some childhood crap bc his parents were raging assholes
( dont tell him i told you that )
i remember asking " why do you keep making me have to hurt you "
sooooo i feel really bad about it
felt really bad about it back when it happened
will prob continue feeling bad about it
etc

i havent told basically anybody yet ( ardyn doesnt count ) but i really liked it ros
for just a second when it happened it just felt so fucking GOOD to have someone afraid of me
cant even describe it
whoever my double is he loved it because it made him feel like a god

but you know IM not like that
right?

I think you're capable of quite a bit, Jack, but no: not that. I wouldn't spend time with you if I thought there was a possibility you'd ever want me terrified of you.

That shared history, though, does make it easier to understand why you slipped from one to another. If you're used to fighting with him, little wonder there was bleed-through and exaggeration, especially if your other self was so delighted by violence and fear. I'm not saying you were in the right, or that he doesn't have good reason to be furious with you, but.

. . . I have two more questions. But one is more vital than the other. Are you all right?

believe it or not i actually had a super long and enlightening talk with a kid kind of about this so yeah
i guess
not any more bummed than youd normally be when you find out youre starting to bleed into the personality of a serial killer or whatever the hell he was
which is pretty bummed
but i dont feel like its random violence i think it has to be triggered
so im safe and can actually leave my apartment now

i already know what the other one is and no rosalind my father would never let us wed
your love is gone to waste on me
you must find another

As if you'd be anything above a torrid affair bedded purely to spite my parents.

No, I wanted to know . . . once you're feeling better about all this (and if you'd like, I'd be more than happy to help you on that regard), if you'd be interested in testing the parameters of what triggers this kind of thing.

im totally ok with being that
also j/k my dad is dead

and youre probably about to be surprised but yeah im down
thats actually a little of what me and the kid talked about
hes got powers so no matter HOW totally buttfuck crazy i get i could never actually catch him to hurt him
hes solid you can trust him
his names dave strider hes on the network a lot
and hes having personality problems too so he gets it

if you mean just you and me then nooooope
theres no TELLING what i could do
im not putting your safety at risk for science even if you want me to

Then we'll ask Ardyn along.

He's large. Certainly large enough to stop you, should your other self show up and make a scene, and even if something should occur, he can heal me.

And before you protest: while Mr. Strider may have strange abilities, he isn't a scientist. He hasn't any idea what to look for, nor how to look. He can observe, yes, but he isn't the brightest mind in this city. I am.

still no
i cant hurt you but i can hurt ardyn and he cant heal himself
tony was an accident
this one is actually a decision and im making it for your benefit

[Hhhhhhh, that's about the noise she just made on her end. The trouble with this argument is that he's right, of course; she's not a particularly strong woman, and god help her should she be caught at the mercy of this, this other self, apparently sadistic and cruel. Nor can she in good faith force Ardyn in this situation, not if he can't heal himself.

But she wants to know. It's not personal curiosity that fuels her (although that, too, is a factor), but sheer scientific knowledge. She wants to know because it's a mystery, and she hates those unless she can solve them.]

What if you were rendered unable to move?

[ PAUSE. Then ring a ding ding, he's just calling. ]

You're really not gonna let this one go, are you?

Not easily, no, Jack.

[ A pause. ]

Hands in front of me. Tied, cuffed, whatever. Closed space where I can't get at anybody not involved in this friggin' nightmare. You stay way the hell back and let Ardyn or whoever do their thing unless I'm actually trying to injure them. [ Kill. He means kill. ] Then you bring something to put me down. Immediately. Doesn't matter if it hurts me.

[ Another beat. ]

And somebody needs to bring a gun.

All right.

[She agrees to that surprisingly readily.]

I'm sure I can procure a gun somewhere. I already have a taser, I'll bring that as well. We'll do it in your apartment, we'll bolt the door and make sure there's enough obstacles between you and it that you'll have a hard time leaving.

Fear set it off the first time. Do you remember if he has anything else that might set him off?

Alright.

[ To all of it. He's surprised, but knows he shouldn't be - Rosalind's always been even-minded like this. She gets it. ]

Humor. I think. [ A breath. ] He liked to screw around with people. The party I remember is him just having fun, but he tripped some people and slapped the trays out of some of the waiters' hands. Because it was funny. Because he knew they wouldn't do anything about it. They'd just say I'm so sorry sir and look at him with these bug eyes like they were terrified, and stumble all the hell over themselves to clean it up. And he liked that.

'Til now I thought, hey, he's an asshole, but assholes aren't necessarily bad people, right? My bad for hoping life would cut me a goddamn break for once.

[ A long exhale. ]

And anger. I remember being angry.

Well. I don't think I can inspire fear, not like that, but humor and anger . . . that, I can get out of a simple conversation.

So we'll talk, you and I. We'll make sure you can't get free, and then I'll infuriate you enough that he comes out.

. . . and if that fails, I should think I provide more than enough material for humor. You know how to get under my skin, and I should imagine irritating me enough might give him ample opportunity to shine through.

. . . Ardyn and I talked about this, you know. Not you. But what might happen if someone's other self was so different and appalling.

I dunno, Ros - I'll be expecting it. [ She can't see him shrug stupidly, but he does. ] You really think you can get to me when I know you're just doing it for science?

You're gonna have to be good.

[ He sounds entirely too pleased by that. Yeeeees, put in ridiculous amounts of effort just for him.

But serious topic. ]

You talked about the being different thing, though? Yeah, I just... I'm afraid I'll eventually turn into him. Get too many memories or something. Just slowly becoming somebody else.

It's a possibility. But I don't think it'll happen, if you want the truth. You're aware of it, not denying it, and that's the start. You'll be on the lookout for behaviors that aren't your own, and trying to avoid them.

And even if you don't succeed entirely: your friends won't allow you to indulge in such a way.

[ Actually kind of touched over here? Sure, he's got friends, and he knows he can trust them, but deep down there's still some part of him that never stopped thinking they'd ditch him if it got too rough. Like all his older, shittier friends. That's just how human beings work. But he's confessed to some rank shit and they still have his back.

So maybe he sounds a little... who knows? Relieved? ]

Thanks, Ros. That-- [ means a lot to me. Nope. ] That makes me feel better about this shit. Feels pretty good to have somebody watching my back.

Kinda doubt you're gonna start choking people out, but same to you, alright? Just lemme know when you need me and I'm there.

[She's sounding a fair bit relieved herself. She's not good at comforting people; it's just not a talent. But if he feels a bit better, that's all right. That's all she can ask for.]

I will.

[She means that, too. A pause, and then:]

I don't suppose you have any tips for how to get under your skin, hm? I have a, ah, few ideas, but as I also don't want to utterly destroy our friendship . . .

[Actually, she has one idea. One very bad, very mean idea. But that might be going a bit far, and while she wants him furious, she doesn't want him to loathe her.]

You're not gonna destroy anything, Ros. Hell, I'm pretty sure you couldn't if you tried. [ And he sounds confident about that. ] Hhhhhunh. Well, Tony triggered that one thing with my grandma, but my childhood's kind of a weird... thing. Can usually talk about it without feeling anything. Pretty sure it's some kind of coping mechanism, but it works for me.

Ask Ardyn about it. I've told him some of the worst shit. Ask Tony about my wife. Or Angel.

[ A beat. A really, really long one. ]

Rosalind, can I trust you? 'Cuz I do. I really do. Feels like I could tell you anything and you wouldn't flip out and hate me forever, no matter how bad it was.

Am I right?

[ Ruh-roh, Raggy. ]

[UH-OH indeed. To her credit, Rosalind actually stops to think about the question before answering, because false assurances are pointless.]

. . . yes. I believe so, yes.

You believe so?

[ It's... probably not any more comforting how needling he is about this. ]

Not gonna work. I need you to be positive, Rosalind.

[Has he killed someone, then? She wonders. She really does, because this kind of question seems the perfect lead-up. And perhaps that question would spark anxiety in another woman, but all Rosalind really feels is . . . calm. Worried, yes, because that needling tone is frightening, but not at all the kind of horror one might expect to feel when one very seriously contemplates whether or not one of their friends has committed murder.]

. . . short of telling me you've raped someone, yes, Jack, I won't loathe you no matter what you tell me.

Nah, I'd never do some shit like that.

[ A beat. ]

Can you come over? Or we can meet up at your place, whatever - just somewhere private? You need ammo, and I'm about to give it to you.